I can't believe the year is almost over. This year has been so very odd. I think it's because the main things and problems in my life haven't change since June and I am so very aware of what was going on in each month since then that it just feels like a day each. When I talk about what happened in June or July and someone says "Oh, so that's ages ago then." it feels so wrong to me. "ages ago"? No! That JUST happened, pretty much. Time seems like a fairly odd thing to me lately. Then again, everything feels odd to me lately. I don't know about anything anymore. I'm trying to work out my life...my future. What I want to do, where I want to do it, etc. I realised more than ever that you can not plan your future around one person. Or maybe even more than one person. I mean, it's one thing to say "I'll stay here because all my friends live here and I like it here." .. I'm not saying you should all go and pack your bags and leave where you are because you are there for your friends and family. All I'm saying is that if there is somewhere else you want to go, don't stay because of others. And if someone else is going to a different place, don't go with them if you don't want to. If you do something "for someone else", that never works. It'll just end in you being unhappy, complaining about it, and them blaming you for doing it in the first place. Never do anything that makes you unhappy if you have a choice to do something else, even if that might be hard or scary. In the end it will be worth it.
And god, I hate when I say things like this, that I know for a fact are true, and I can feel myself already not listening to me. Because that's what I do. I always know what I should be doing but don't convince myself. And nobody could. I'm so fucked up. I really wish I was different but I'm so much "myself" that I can't change myself. Which, this only makes sense to myself because nobody knows what I'm like apart from me. I wish people would think a like. I wish people would know what I'm trying to say, what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling, without me having to say it and try and explain it. And I absoluetly hate my sensitivity. I get upset SO easily and I fall into these mini depressions that I can't seem to escape and that I tend to get stuck in and not be able to get out off. Anyway, enough of this senseless talking. I hate not having been around much lately. It also means that most people forgot about me so that hardly anyone ever stops by to read my poetry/journals, granted there hasn't been much of either since August really. *sigh*

I will change things around. I will. Just give me some more time.

I love you all very much though and I hope you believe me when I say that I haven't forgotten any of you.



Take care and Merry Christmas!!

Carla xxx


PS. I love the new Fall Out Boy album.